Other topics in this article:

Finding Good Day Care
Toilet Training and Bedwetting

More preschool information can be found in Dr. Rimm's book Raising Preschoolers.

Teaching Values

Parents teach children values during their entire childhood, but those taught during the preschool years are foundational for the teaching ahead. Parents have the greatest influence during children's early years. Schools, peers, and the media dramatically affect values during the school-age years. If children are given a good foundation early, they are less likely to be mislead later. The roots of your children's conscience are taught in these early years.Preschoolers learn values best by stories. They love to listen to stories. The Little Boy Who Cried Wolf has been used millions of times over to teach small children about honesty. Many children's stories are expressly written to convey values. As you read to your children, ask them questions that elicit their thinking about the values they hear. For example, "What would have happened to the little boy's sheep if he hadn't lied the first time?"
Young children love to hear stories about their parents' childhood. There are probably stories you could share about how you learned to be honest, kind, or brave. There may be some less favorable stories you may remember as well. Don't brag about the times you got in trouble with your parents or teachers unless you can point out a lesson that you learned. If you brag about your trouble-making times, your children can be expected to try to outdo you, but the shoes will be on different feet, and you may not appreciate the naughtiness you've taught your children.

Your children will also be learning values by watching you. If you keep the extra change when the cashier gives you too much, if you brag about cheating on your income taxes, if you're disrespectful to your spouse or parent, you children will literally copy your actions. Look for teaching moments with your children. Tell them that you've given the correct change back, although you could have kept it, because it's important to be fair and honest. Explain that you may have differences with your spouse or mother, but that you're willing to discuss and compromise with the people you love. Life is an exciting story to preschoolers. They don't yet refer to parents' discussions as lectures. They love to listen to you and feel your undivided attention. You have wonderful opportunities to teach good values and to help children distinguish between right and wrong. Remember that preschoolers are very literal and concrete in their thinking. The nuances and ambiguities may need to wait until they're a little older. Preschoolers see and hear you in black and white. The grays and shadings can be postponed for their readiness.

Kindness and Consideration

Children can be taught to be kind and considerate by observing their parents' and caretakers' kindness, by specific explanation of kind behaviors, and by adults valuing, noticing, and praising children's kind behaviors. They can also learn about kindness when parents read or tell stories about kindness or comment on the kindness of others in their environment. For example, when your children carry a kitty that has strayed back to it's mommy or help their baby sister or brother pick up their toys, parents can label the behavior as "kind" and tell their children how pleased they are to see that kindness.There are many books and stories about kindness, and your children will love them. I remember reading a book called Kindness is a Lot of Things! to our own children hundreds of times.

Discipline

Parents and teachers are concerned about appropriate discipline for their kids from the time they are toddlers through middle childhood and teenage years. The goals of discipline are to lead children toward learning skills and values that will prepare them for adulthood when they will eventually depend entirely on self-discipline. Hopefully, their personal self-discipline will result in their leading happy, fulfilling, and caring lives. There should always be a positive emphasis on discipline.Your pleasure in your children's accomplishments and your disappointment in their inappropriate behaviors are your most effective tools.Realistic parents also find that there are times when raising their voices or setting firm limits are the requirements for helping children grow in confidence.The principle to remember in giving children choices is only to give them the choices that they are capable of making responsibly. Don't give them choices when you know what is best for them and logical consequences won't be obvious until the future or the logical consequences are dangerous. When you know what's best, be positive and directive, and your children will have confidence in your guidance.

Time-out can be very effective for setting limits for preschool children if it is used appropriately and not too frequently. Overuse takes place as a poor substitute for positive planning, is counterproductive, and causes parents to believe time-out isn't effective.

Play As Learning* Children learn through play. Creative and educational toys are their tools. Here is a list of types of toys and some of the main skills learned through their use.
Toys Art materials (paints, markers, crayons, scissors, tape, etc.)	Skills Creativity, small muscle coordination, spatial skills
Puppets, dolls, dress-up costumes, masks, etc.	Imagination, role playing, emotional expressiveness
Dominoes, puzzles, tangrams, building materials, blocks	Imagination, spatial skills, organization, planning, number concepts
Music, tapes, nursery rhymes	Spatial, prereading,  rhythm, listening skills, large muscle coordination
Letter and number cards, games, lotto	Pre-reading, math,  cooperative and  competitive skills
Books	Imagination, verbal and attention skills
*From How to Parent So Children Will Learn (Crown, 1996)

Planning and Enriching Your Preschooler's Day

Parents who take responsibility for planning a preschooler's day provide a positive framework for their children. The planning must be flexible and provide opportunities for safe exploration and appropriate stimulation. It should also include time for children to play alone and with others, indoors and outdoors.The home, neighborhood, and community provide opportunities for children to learn through play. Particular toys provide a variety of appropriately enriching play. A neighborhood walk to the fire station, park, or library broadens opportunities while providing exercise and fresh air.

The local children's museum, petting zoo, or a neighbor's farm or garden introduce children to other worlds of exploration. Even a necessary trip to the supermarket or shopping mall can be used for enriching children's learning.

By age three, children will be eligible for some of the community enrichment classes that are available for preschoolers. Classes in three categories are usually available: 1) play, 2) physical fitness, and 3) learning. Of course, the categories may also provide overlapping opportunities. If your children are in a day care or preschool program, they may already have a full program for each of these, and time at home with you is their most important need. If you are at home with them full time, a play group in which they can learn to interact with other children is a high priority. The physical fitness needs can be best fulfilled by dance, gymnastics, tumbling, or swimming classes. The community may also provide some beginning sports fun, but generally, competitive sports should be postponed until school age. Learning programs could include music, computers, story hours, or science fun. Although preschoolers can benefit from some exposure to lessons, be sure not to overprogram your children. Two or three activities a week suffice, and preschoolers require plenty of time for play, rest, and time alone with parents or child-care providers. Parents also need to consider their own time constraints in planning for their children.

Communicating With Your
Child-Care Provider

Whether you have child care for an evening out, half days during the week, or while you work full time, there needs to be two-way communication. Your first responsibility is to inform the caretaker of how you would like your children cared for including eating, dressing, nap or bedtime routines, guide-lines for activities and discipline, and values for language and safety. You will also need to make arrangements for regular communications from the caretaker to you about your children's daily progress or problems. If child care is brief, this communication can be quite informal, as in a brief chat when you return home. If your child care is for half a day or more, arrange for your child-care provider to keep a journal of daily milestones, questions, comments, or problems. Continued communication will permit you to be supportive of your child-care provider and will help to keep you closer to your children. It will also help to prevent some of the guilt that many parents feel when they are busy with their careers and wish they could be in two places at once.  

Finding Good Child Care for Your Preschooler*

You may be looking for child care as a part-time opportunity for your children or as a requirement for you to work full time outside your home. The criteria are surprisingly similar except that consistency and communication between home and school are even more critical if your children will spend a fair amount of their day away from home. The communication between school and home is important not only because you will feel more secure about the environment that is being provided for your children, but also because you, as parents, can share in your children's development and milestones despite your not being able to be with them much of the time.

You will want to actually visit and observe a day-care center or preschool that you are considering for your children. A list of criteria for you to consider follows.

Atmosphere

Child-care providers should be loving toward all the children. If staff members seem to be targeting some children as troublemakers in their conversations, consider that your children could become one of those children, and that would not be a good school start.

Staff

You will first want to notice the staff-to-child ratio. Ask about the education and training of the staff as well. Stability is also important. Schools that have a history of continuous staff turnover may either not be selecting staff well or not training them sufficiently. Obviously, occasional changes of staff are normal. You can obtain that information best from other parents who have had children at the school for awhile.

Classroom Orginazation

Reasonable organization and limit setting are critical for children's early learning of responsibility and self-discipline. Routines that teach children good manners, cleanup responsibilities, consideration for others, and respect for teachers in charge provide good preparation for school. Disorganized, out-of-control class environments will cause feelings of insecurity for your children.Most day-care centers and preschools foster the love of books, since reading is a prerequisite to the love of learning. Several story hours a day should not be replaced by a convenient television set, and television should either make up a very small part of children's learning in preschool or not be present at all.

Art, Creative Expression, and Curiosity

Toys and equipment should include painting and drawing supplies, puzzles, small and large building blocks, pretend and imaginative toys, as well as sturdy outdoor equipment. An atmosphere where children are expected to explore, create and invent, feel and touch rather than copy adult direction only, and fill in lines on work pages, underscores a creative environment.

Music, Dance, and Movement

Creative movement provides opportunities for the development of children's love of music and rhythm. Dance or some form of movement to music should be part of almost every preschool day. Music has also been found to be important for early brain development.

Outdoor Play and Exploration

The exploration of nature may be limited at urban centers, but learning about weather, animals, and nature can be carried out at parks and playgrounds and are important for children.

Value Systems

Religious points of view, values about honesty, respect, animal life, conservation, etc., should be a reasonable match with your family values.

Academic Preparation

Preschool should be providing some academic preparation, but not too much. A more holistic approach is important for children to develop appropriately. By age four, more academic preparation begins to be introduced.

Freedom to Choose Within Limits

Some school curriculums are the same for the whole class, and others permit children to make all of the choices based on their interests and development. Rigid preschool lessons will not tap individual differences. Allowing the children to make all of the choices of activities is also risky. Children are likely to select their areas of interest and pursue them but may ignore or neglect some of the more boring skills they may require for kindergarten.

Nutrition

If your child will be eating breakfast or lunch at the day-care center, ask about the nutritional program and alternatives for food. Hot lunches can be very nice for a two-career family that doesn't have time to prepare a hot meal in the evening.

Naps

Check also to see how the center's nap schedule fits with your children's present routine. You may need to make some changes in your child's routine if there are problems, or you may want to ask the center to make adjustments for your children.

Decision Making

Firsthand observations of a preschool class in session, using a checklist (see below), and making notes will help you to evaluate these criteria and some personal issues of your own. An interview with the teacher and some telephone calls to other parents will assist you in gathering other information. Sifting through your information with consideration for your personal priorities will lead you to comfortable decision making.

Checklist for Evaluating Child Care   Excellent Good Fair Poor Atmosphere _______ _______ _______ _______ Staff-Student Ratio _______ _______ _______ _______ Education and Training of Staff _______ _______ _______ _______ Stability of Staff _______ _______ _______ _______ Classroom Organization _______ _______ _______ _______ Foster Love of Books _______ _______ _______ _______ Art, Creative Expression _______ _______ _______ _______ Music, Dance, Movement _______ _______ _______ _______ Outdoor Play, Exploration _______ _______ _______ _______ Academic Preparation _______ _______ _______ _______ Value System _______ _______ _______ _______ Freedom of Choices _______ _______ _______ _______ Nutrition _______ _______ _______ _______ Naps _______ _______ _______ _______ Notes:

TOILET TRAINING AND BEDWETTING*

Questions about toilet training are more frequently asked than almost any other, perhaps because this developmental issue is most frustrating to parents. The most common time for toilet training is between ages two and four. Dry diapers for two to three hours are the most important indication of readiness. Requests to use the potty should also be followed up, although the requests may only signal bids to be like Mommy or Daddy or to get attention and may give parents false hopes.

INITIATING TOILET TRAINING

Patience, patience, and more patience are your most important allies. Introduce your child to a low potty chair by having him sit on the chair. Boys' chairs will require a deflector to avoid uncomfortable parent showers. You can make the facial expressions that may fit with using the toilet, and some parents find that running the water in the sink is inspiring. Adult demonstrations may help, but mainly you require a combination of good timing and a little luck. Reading to your child while she is on the potty will keep her sitting patiently for awhile. Don't expect performance the first time even if she's asked to use the potty. However, if and when your child accidentally urinates or has a bowel movement, you can hug and praise him enthusiastically. He'll likely get the idea and may ask again, or at least you can keep trying to put him on the potty every two to three hours. If your child resists, take a break for several weeks and try again. The resistance signals that the child isn't quite ready.

Using disposable pull-ups is more convenient for you than diapers while toilet training, but cotton training pants are more likely to permit your child to feel the connections between the process of toileting and the outcomes (wet or soiled pants). Summer is an easier time to train children because clothes are less cumbersome and it's simpler to cope with the mess. A little urine on the grass doesn't have to be cleaned up like the stain on your carpet, and the child still has the wet pants to help him know that he could have used his nice potty.

"Summer is an easier time to train children because clothes are less cumbersome and it's simpler to cope with the mess."

 REWARDS

Stickers and stars may be very helpful for initiating toilet training, and even inexpensive small toys may accelerate the process. I helped train one grandson very rapidly on less than ten dollars worth of small toy trucks. We called that game "pee for trucks." Obviously, readiness must come first or all the toys in the world won't work.

BOWEL MOVEMENT TRAINING

Bladder training almost always happens before bowel training and sometimes it seems to take children a long time to get over the fear of having their first bowel movement in the toilet. Small prizes may really be important to get your child to do that first bowel movement in the toilet. However, after the first success, others are likely to follow automatically without the continued frustration or the prizes.

NIGHT-TIME TRAINING

Nighttime training may follow immediately after daytime training, or night urination or bedwetting may occur for a very long time for your child. It's related to physical readiness and genetics rather than anything you're doing right or wrong. Stickers and stars may help with nighttime training, but scolding and punishments only seem to add more stress to the already tension-provoking problem for your child.

If your child is five and not yet night trained, a new bedwetting alarm called the DRI Sleeper is extremely helpful for sensitizing the child to the need to get up and use the bathroom. That seems to generalize very quickly to natural urination control at night and saves parents and children considerable stress.