Dr. Sylvia Rimm

RAISING AMAZING BOYS

The recent increase of school shootings and violence may cause parents to wonder if it is possible to raise their sons to become strong, sensitive, and successful men. Parents need reassurance that their sons can mature in mentally healthy ways. There are many wonderful, truly amazing boys who handle the normal developmental problems of adolescence in positive ways. Parents who are sensitive to the challenges boys face can guide them to achieving and fulfilling lives

Boys are more likely to achieve if they have achieving men to look up to. Dads are the best possible role models as long as they give their sons appropriate messages and take the time to be with them. When good dads aren't around, moms and teachers need to search elsewhere. Male teachers, church leaders, coaches, and Boy Scout leaders can be great. Uncles and good neighbors may be willing to help. Biographies of great men in books or films can be inspirational to boys. Mothers can also be effective role models and mentors to boys, but they are likely to be more acceptable to boys if men in the environment validate them. That happens because boys seem to have a need to reassure themselves of their own masculinity.

Three characteristics determine who children select as role models. Children tend to select role models who are nurturant, powerful, and have characteristics similar to themselves. Boys may choose poor role models like gang members or negative peers if good ones aren't available.

A clear message to boys about hard work in school from important male adults in their lives goes a long way in giving boys the confidence and humility to learn from their teachers. Setting those high expectations as coaches, rather than judges, in an alliance with your sons will motivate them to perform well in school.

"Setting high expectations as coaches, not judges...will motivate your sons."

Consider that mothers are most often the key figure in their sons early learning, and primary teachers are typically female. Boys enter schools surrounded by women telling them to behave and to learn. In two-parent families, it is important that dads become more involved in their sons’ learning. If both parents have high expectations for school learning, boys will take school seriously. When boys hear their dads saying positive things about their mothers and teachers, it reinforces the importance of learning. In homes where there is no dad, a strong male role model will need to convey this vital message. (See sidebar.)

SPECIAL RULES FOR SINGLE MOTHERS RAISING BOYS*

Boys should have an older male in their lives to serve as a model. Find effective role models for your boys. Uncles, grandfathers, teachers, Boy Scout leaders, and Big Brothers may all be helpful to your sons in learning to be comfortable with their masculinity.

If you don’t view your children’s natural father as an effective role model, absolutely don’t tell your boys how much they look like and remind you of their father, especially when you are angry.

Avoid power struggles with your children’s father. If he mistreats you and shows open disrespect, your sons are likely imitate his behavior.

Don’t complain to your children about their father’s lack of financial support. That will cause their father to seem powerful to them. Children unconsciously copy powerful models.

*From Why Bright Kids Get Poor Grades—And What You Can Do About It by Sylvia B. Rimm, Ph.D. (1995, Crown Publishing)

Boys' preparatory and military schools have always been effective in helping boys find role models, discipline themselves, build personal self-confidence, and direct some of their attraction away from girls and toward achievement. In the words of Harvey Hambrick, principal of Marcus Garvey Academy, Detroit: "I'm a firm believer that only a man can raise a boy to be a man. A woman can raise a son, but not a man." Although the data is not in yet, the academy seems to be doing well and includes parent involvement and community male volunteers.

Remind your sons that "smart" can be slow and thoughtful, and that the first one in class who finishes an assignment is not necessarily the smartest. Boys often have problems with early handwriting skills. They rush through their work in an effort to be first, fast, and smartest. Encourage them to "hunt and peck" on computers to complete their spelling lessons, stories, and reports. They'll be more likely to love writing. Dictating their stories into tape recorders facilitates expression of their ideas. Suggest they create family newsletters and sports adventure stories so their temporary handwriting problems don't escalate to permanent fears about writing.

Encourage boys to play with construction and imaginative toys. Reduce exposure to TV and video game violence because it not only encourages imitation but causes boys to become dependent on overstimulation. For boys who tend to be too rough and physical, minimize wrestling with Dad. They may generalize the wrestling to the playground and get into trouble at school. If your sons tends to be less physical, wrestling with Dad may actually help them build courage and be more relaxed on the playground.

Preventing violence takes more than elimination of guns. Even if you don't buy toy guns or glamourize them, boys seem to invent or create them. Although it's important to differentiate carefully between real guns and toy guns and to minimize guns in your son's toy collection, you'll probably not be able to eradicate them.

Read, talk, play board and card games, make up games, and discover the world together. Some parents actually fear their boys playing dress-up because they believe it isn't masculine. Dress-up, music, and drama encourage boys' imagination, and doll play helps boys express feelings. Neither are indications of homosexuality, and as long as boys experience a variety of play, they’re likely to learn a variety of skills.

It takes a lot of repetition and discussion about gentleness and sensitivity to help your sons contain their energy and direct it toward the many interests available in school and extracurricular activities. Talking and listening to your sons every day is important for teaching them how to express their feelings. Boys who can talk through their problems and their angerare unlikely to act out in ways that harm others. Teach and model respect for others, both boys and girls.

Team sports have great value for boys. They build family bonding and friendships and teach boys about healthy competition and collaboration. Good sportsmanship should be modeled by mothers, fathers, andcoaches. Cheating, disrespect for coaches, and peer cruelty to less coordinated kids are intolerable for children's teams. Families should cheer kids on but avoid putting too much pressure on them. Don't brag about never missing a game. Miss a few from time to time, and permit your son to get himself involved because of his own interest. It will put your children's sports activities into perspective. Sports are supposed to be fun, healthy exercise, and good learning experiences. Remind them that good sports do their personal best and then congratulate the winner!

FOUR STAR DAY FOR
IN-SEAT BEHAVIOR

The teacher has a private conference with the child and parent to explain how important sitting at the desk is. The example of pretending to put glue on a child’s bottom makes the instruction graphic. Teacher definition of sitting should be anything in approximation to contact with the chair; for example, one leg on the chair should be considered sitting.

The teacher divides the dayinto four parts: morning to recess, recess to lunch, lunch to recess, and recess until the end of the day. The teacher explains to the child that each part of the day that the child is in-seat earns a star on a card. The goal is 4 stars. Three stars can be a temporary goal for the first week. Emphasize that stars are earned only for sitting.

The child brings the card home to the parent (or child advocate in school) at the end of each day. If the child receives 4 stars, the child earns a home prize, game, attention, points toward a gift, or weekend activity.

The parent is cautioned privately to be encouraged and not too easily disappointed. The first four-star day may take time to accomplish, but much else will fall into place while the child concentrates on sitting.

*From Why Bright Kids Get Poor Grades—And What You Can Do About It by Sylvia B. Rimm, Ph.D. (1995, Crown Publishing

SPECIAL TALENT COACHES AS ROLE MODELS*

When your children select role models who combine excellent qualities with problems, you'll want to communicate to those models carefully so that you can reinforce the beneficial relationship while preventing any potential harm.
Contact the teacher or coach and ask for a private conference without your child's presence.
Indicate to the teacher or coach how much you appreciate the inspirational model that he/she has provided for your child.
Point out to the teacher that he or she is very important in your child's life and that you want to encourage this positive relationship.
Explain that your child has a few small problems that you could use his help with.
Ask the teacher or coach to help your child receive appropriate messages; for example, to study hard or do homework. Explain to the teacher or coach your concern about leaving avenues open should your child not be successful in his/her special talent.

*From Parent Pointers, Learning Leads Q-Cards by Sylvia B. Rimm, Ph.D. (1996, Apple Publishing)

As parents, team up for work and fun together, but not against each other. Children brought up with anger against their other parent learn that feelings of love and intimacy require enemies. Don’t make your spouse, parent, or siblings the enemy; if you do, you’ll surely find your child on a team against you some day. Model team leadership by teaching children positive goal-setting instead of anger. This is especially difficult in single-parent families or after divorce. It’s worth the effort for your children. Some day they’ll develop better relationships as adults.

Team up with your children’s teachers. Don’t blame them when your children are being irresponsible. You and your children have the responsibility with teachers for making learning exciting, interesting, and challenging. Children that respect teachers learn more, and those that respect teachers come from families where parents respect teachers.

Walking into your home at the end of the day can give children an image of your workplace role and your work satisfaction. Even when you’re tired, add a little energy and optimism to your return home at the end of the day. Your children will assume your work is positive. They need to know that work helps you feel good about yourself and permits you to make contributions to society. As parents, you need to tell your children that you take pride in doing quality work and in fully earning your salaries. Explain that although you may be tired at the end of each workday, your weariness comes with the satisfaction of accomplishment. You can design an achiever image that will help your children develop a good work ethic.

Don’t apologize to your children for your careers. Don’t complain to your children that your partner works too much. Instead, emphasize what good role models you are and what important work you do. Both your sons and daughters will take new pride in your accomplishments and their own. Despite the pressures of work, even supermoms and superdads should find some time for fun and laughter if they are going to be the excellent role models they’d like to be.

The overload of two-career families can cause men and women alike to be rigid home administrators. Managing schedules and child care can eliminate spontaneity and optimism. You may feel as if you’re precariously juggling instead of balancing your life. At least every six months, stop and prioritize your activities. Think about who is doing too much and what you may have to eliminate. Busy, active lives can be fun and good training for managing complexity, but too-busy lives cause families to wish for the old days where men were men and women were wives. In a world of equal partnerships, occasional meetings to equalize your life permit your children to see strong and sensitive adults of each gender in their lives. Although modeling strength and sensitivity may be hard sometimes, it is most important for all.