Parents and teachers are concerned about appropriately disciplining their kids from the time they are little toddlers up through middle childhood and the teenage years. The goals of discipline are for children to learn skills and values that will prepare them for adulthood, when they will depend entirely on themselves for self-discipline and, hopefully, will result in their leading happy, fulfilling, and caring lives. There should always be a positive emphasis in discipline. Your pleasure in your children's accomplishments and your disappointment in their inappropriate behaviors are your most effective tools for discipline. Realistic parents also find that there are times when raising your voice or setting firm limits are required for helping children grow in confidence.
When and how to discipline varies considerably according to your children’s developmental stages and individual personalities. Although your family values will shape the direction of your children's growth, at birth, genetic make-up provides infants with a variety of temperaments as well as considerable differences in energy and capabilities. Of course, school and peer environments will also affect your children's discipline requirements. There are, however, some discipline generalizations that seem to fit all ages and personalities. A first priority is to teach your children positively, so they feel loved; a second is to set limits when your children have temporarily gone astray.
Research tells us that for children of all ages, physical punishment causes many problems. It becomes a model for aggression in an already too violent society. It causes children to be angry with their parents and sometimes with the rest of their world. If you're feeling a little guilty because you've already spanked your children a time or two, let me assure you that an occasional slip is unlikely to do harm and that you=re surely not alone with either your deliberate spanking or accidental loss of control.
There continue to be parents who believe the old maxim of "spare the rod and spoil the child." There may have been a time when physical punishment or the threat thereof was sufficient to keep a child in line. However, in the present world of empowered children and continued exposure to media violence, the first spanking often only leads to another, and another. That may be followed by physical abuse and may even pit parents and children against each other in physical fights. It=s much better and safer to use other punishments. Hopefully, you’ll also have sufficient control of your children so that either your voiced disappointment, consequences, or time-outs will suffice to deter further inappropriate behaviors.
LITTLE KIDS (PRESCHOOLERS)
 As soon as babies begin to crawl or toddle, you'll begin your disciplining. Making spaces safe for kids by rearranging, locking, or protecting is much more effective than slapping their hands and saying "no" every few minutes. Of course, no environment can be completely childproofed.
Saying "no" or using a descriptive word such as "hot" in a slightly raised and serious voice, paired with a distraction to some other toy or activity, works well until children approach two years of age. Biting or hitting can be curbed with "no" followed by "nice" while giving a patting or hugging lesson. When that isn't effective, a brief time-out in a crib or room will usually work. A gate that separates children from a parent's attention seems to stop the problem after a time or two. For children who climb over gates, installing two gates vertically has been effective.
You may worry that somehow children will learn to dislike and fear their bedrooms. Thousands of families have used this simple time-out technique, and only one parent has ever reported to me of a child becoming afraid of a crib. Sometimes children fall asleep or play with toys instead of just crying. Time-out is not a punishment, only a temporary withdrawal of attention, and is much more effective than continuous scolding or spanking, which are the usual alternatives.
Parents who structure the day with time for free play inside and outside, interaction with other children, and some adult-child nurturance by reading, talking, and playing together establish order and expectation. Of course, flexibility during that time is important for little children, and little kids definitely need plenty of hugging and affection (only, please don’t do the hugging right after a punishment, or kids are thoroughly confused).
MIDDLE KIDS (SCHOOL AGE)
Structuring children's lives positively so that fun activities follow more arduous or tiresome chores works best with school-age children. For example, statements such as, "After I look over your homework, we can shoot baskets or play checkers" work better than saying, "If you don't get your homework done, we're not playing any games tonight." The difference only appears to be a matter of words, but actually how you say it is also important. The first statement keeps you in an alliance with your children, instead of embattled as does the second statement.
Reasonable consequences are effective with children. "Family dinner is on. Right after your puppy is fed, please join us" makes sense to a child who has not yet fed the dog. A few minutes later, the child will join you at the table and won’t require any special attention for the brief delay.
Time-out in their rooms continues to be appropriate for school-age children who may lose their tempers or be inappropriately aggressive. Assuming you've given them a reason why their behavior is wrong, don’t try reasoning with them while both you and they are losing tempers.
Discussion works well with children unless it becomes a debate in which your reasoning is only an excuse for their plans to win. In my book How to Parent So Children Will Learn (Crown, 1996), I discuss a very effective anti-arguing routine. This routine works for little, middle, and big kids and can help convert a warring camp into a happy household.
BIG KIDS (TEENAGERS)
Teenagers are stretching toward adulthood and need to feel that adults aren’t talking down to them. At the same time, they need to know that parents are firmly guiding them even as they protest about too much adult control. Forming an alliance with them, hearing them out, and allowing plenty of talk time for them are much more difficult during these most challenging and interesting years. They watch parents more carefully than ever. If you model a happy, disciplined lifestyle, it serves as an important guide.
Try to avoid battles in which you can't control the outcomes, but stay firm on your most important issues. Timing-out your teenagers probably won’t work, but you may instead avoid being sucked into battle by assertively timing yourself out in your own room (with locked door) when you've already concluded your discussion, and they haven't. Don't tell them or let them know you're desperate. Simply explain you have other activities to attend to that require the quiet and concentration of your room.
Most important, if there is more than one parent or adult involved, stay united. Otherwise, teenagers who don't like to accept “no” will find another adult to side with them against you, and that will only force you to feel like an ogre. While indeed you may sense that they=re manipulating the adults who love them, for them it only feels as though one adult understands them and another adult doesn't. Parents should stay united, be positive (if possible), and set reasonable limits together. Compromise between parents is much more effective than one adult becoming the mediator and leading the teenager to find an easy way out of responsibility.
Consequences for teenagers' inappropriate behaviors can be loss of car privileges, allowances, or brief (one time or weekend) groundings. Grounding for weeks or months is not likely to be within your control and is completely ineffective. Teenagers dig in their heels in anger, and your chances for a positive alliance disappear. Try to remember when you were a teenager to help guide you through an increasingly difficult adolescence. Underneath the negative and angry facade of an adolescent is a nice kid who needs and loves you.
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